BUILDING THE FUTURE

By Virginia Eckert

When James lost his dad, his home and a way of life he cherished, he accepted the challenge to love as Jesus loves.

“I took the biggest step ever when I returned to my church youth group. I was feeling vulnerable, but I realized I could turn to others. I yearned to be able to fully open up,” James reflected.

Seven years ago when James was in Grade 5, his dad, Charles, had an accident. It was a rainy day and his dad climbed on top of the big load on his transport truck to undo a strap. He slipped and fell four metres, landing on the left side of his head. He was hospitalized for the next two months and was not allowed to drive for at least two years. Driving was not just a means for Charles to earn a living; it was his freedom and joy.

“Mom and Dad were fighting on and off; then it got more intense. Soon Dad no longer ate dinner with us. Then two days before Christmas, a huge fight broke out. Midnight Mass was a family tradition and Dad didn’t want to come. The next day, we forced him to come with us to the cousins, and because it was forced, there was so much tension. It was not the Christmas we use to have; it was a broken Christmas.”

During those two years Charles spent most of his time on the couch, rarely went outside and began to look more and more lifeless. Finally his license was reinstated but after a year he had an unexpected seizure, after which his driving license was permanently rescinded.
Charles was now subject to bouts of rage and there was increasing conflict at home. James felt angry about what was happening and he blamed his dad for hurting the rest of the family with his erratic behaviour. His dad started disappearing for days at a time and the family discovered he was gambling regularly.

James could see the writing on the wall and wasn’t surprised when his mother and siblings including himself moved out and went to James’ grandmother’s. He questioned whether his dad still loved him. James turned to Chris, his youth group leader. He looked up to Chris. He was someone with whom James could shed his tears and Chris helped to pick him up when he was down.

COMPASSIONATE LISTENING — Being able to share troubles with someone who is an effective listener and can offer support is important when problems become overwhelming. (Ann Wicks photo)

“I was amazed at how Chris could take time out of his busy life to make mine better. Before I had always felt alone in my struggles, but knowing my brothers and sisters in my youth group could find God in their pain moved me forward instead of my standing still. I didn’t want my hurt to make me feel badly about myself.”

James made a last attempt to connect with his dad at Easter and went to his old house.

“Easter is a time to forgive and Dad was glad to see me. We hugged when I gave him a cross I had received from my first youth group retreat and he said he loved all of us and wanted us back. Chris picked me up and I broke down in his car.”

One more time the family tried to live together under the same roof. Although all the old problems resurfaced, James had one wonderful day with his dad before the family’s final departure from home. James describes that day as one in a million: “There was no fighting that day, it was all relaxed. We played basketball with Dad like we used to. The joy was short lived; soon everything went downhill and we all moved out for the last time and the house was sold.”

James wanted to resist the temptation to blame his dad for the family breakdown and for his great sense of loss. Often he would find himself angry at his dad and at himself for blaming his dad. Yet, he says, he began to have the drive and determination to serve others. He wanted to put his struggles aside but not forget about them.

“I began to be able to share my tears without embarrassment and my baggage lost its weight. I signed up to be trained as a leader and I learned fast; I understood myself fast, and invited God and others into my life. My brothers and sisters in my youth group said they had my back.”

James emphasizes that learning to forgive his dad was an ongoing process.

“I learned forgiveness in one’s head is not enough; one must forgive from the heart. I pray for those I love, even those who hurt me, and I don’t just focus on my own life. This is the beauty of my struggle.”

Jesus calls us to stretch and follow in his footsteps. James found a way.

Eckert holds a MEd in counselling psychology and has been a teacher/counsellor at a Catholic high school for 27 years. She is married with three adult children.