AFTER CANA

By Blake Sittler

Spouse as best friend: not just a wedding-card cliché

We have all heard the cliché, “Dog is man’s best friend.” I hope whoever first said this lived on a deserted island with only a dog. With all due respect to my dog M’Ali (named after the boxer, Muhammad Ali), this sounds like the statement of an isolated and lonely person.

Recent studies in France and the United States have revealed some not so startling facts about the decline of the number of friends people have. That same French-American friendship study noted that the quality — defined by levels of trust, honesty and sheer time spent — of our friendships has also decreased.

How many close friends do you have? Who is your best friend? Is it your spouse?

I am intrigued by the concept of one’s spouse as one’s best friend. If you were to quiz some of your close couple friends, I think you would be surprised at the number of people who definitely love their spouse but do not necessarily consider them their best friend. My gut reaction is, “If your spouse isn't your best friend, then who is and what do you get from them that makes them a better friend than your spouse?”

Theologically, there is no mention in the Bible or Catechism of the Catholic Church about the sacramental bond of marriage being based on friendship. So while there seems to be some argument for a spouse not necessarily having to be your best friend, I believe that being married to your best friend makes the laborious and rewarding vocation of marriage to be that much more joy-filled.

The idea of marrying your best friend is no hangover from folk theology of the 1970s. When I say my wife is my best friend, I am saying a lot of things about both friendship and marriage.

Healthy married friendship is about sharing common interests, common goals and common values but it is also about having different ideas, different perspectives and different experiences. Friendship is as much about difference as it is about commonality. It is the tension between the differences and similarities that make friendships so dynamic and exciting.

The tension of the difference between friends must be managed with great care. Diversity in friendship is the fire of warmth and light but it is also the flame that burns and destroys if not respected.

Your spouse being your best friend does not negate the personal and social value of having many friends. Having only one friend in the world is too few; it puts an unhealthy and unrealistic amount of pressure on that solitary friend to be the totality of a person’s support network.

On the other hand, having too many friends limits the depth of relationship that can develop. Not all friends are of the same depth and meaning. I have friends who I see only once every few years, friends I see a few times a year and those whom I speak to weekly. I don’t know if I would totally trust someone who said they had dozens of best friends.

My friendship with Brooke means that I put a large degree of effort into maintaining and nurturing our relationship. This means making the effort to listen when I would rather stare at the TV. It means meeting her over the noon hour for a walk or lunch when I could use that time for work. It means taking advantage every day of the dozens of opportunities that I have to let her know that our relationship is important to me.

Everything I do I want to do with Brooke but, in reality, for everything we do together, there are probably two things we do apart. I love going to music concerts but Brooke can’t stand spending money to see someone live when she already has their CD. Brooke loves to read the paper in bed on Saturday mornings until nearly noon but I am usually out of bed making pancakes for the kids hours beforehand. Our outside interests make us more complex mysteries for our spouse to figure out over the life of our marriage.

Friendship in marriage is about more than a shared history. Friendship in marriage is connected to the covenantal promise to stay in relationship. It is the promise that enough time and effort will be put into each other so that change takes place in an atmosphere of care.

The easy part of being married to your best friend is letting that which binds bind. The more challenging and holy aspect of being married to your best friend is to allow the differences between you to be forums of accommodation and growth.

Is your spouse your best friend? How would your relationship change for the better if he or she was?

Sittler works for the Diocese of Saskatoon in the office of Ministry Development and sits on the Diocesan Marriage Task Force. He and his wife Brooke have three children. He welcomes feedback and can be reached at aftercana@sasktel.net