AROUND
THE KITCHEN TABLE
By
Donald Ward
The misfortunes of a young
man who was allegedly bullied, beaten and tormented by his roommate
have been much in the news lately. He was dropped off at a Regina hospital
earlier this spring by someone claiming to be his cousin. He was emaciated
and near death. There were cuts on his lower lip and tongue, his face
was battered and he had suffered several broken ribs. He struggled to
follow conversations and was apparently unable to speak, suggesting
brain damage.
Neighbours reported that
the young man had frequently appeared with visible injuries, once with
his face swollen “like a moon.” When questioned, the young
man explained that his injuries were job-related — he worked for
a moving company — and he never complained, although the same
neighbours often heard his roommate directing profane tirades at the
injured man and other men he worked with.
More ominously, a neighbour
from a previous residence — the young man had moved from Winnipeg
to Calgary to Regina — had reported hearing anguished moans in
the early morning, as of someone being tortured in the apartment upstairs.
Since the young man’s
plight has been reported, a webpage and a Facebook group have been established
for the purpose of demanding justice on the perpetrator. Some social
media sites have mounted “wanted” posters for the person
suspected of being responsible for the young man’s injuries, and
some have gone so far as to suggest that vigilante action may be in
order.
The public are rightfully
outraged. By any measure, what happened to this young man is appalling,
barbarous and unimaginable to any decent person. But through the vast
web of media and Internet reports dedicated to the young man’s
plight, I have yet to find any suggestion that he was somehow responsible
for his fate or should simply have left an intolerable situation when
it became clear that he had nothing to gain by staying.
I cannot help but think that
the story would be different if the young man had been a young woman.
Indeed, it probably would not have been a story at all. Women are routinely
abused, beaten and tortured by their intimate partners without the slightest
public outcry. Many feel — because they are told — that
it is their own fault, that if they had only behaved differently their
spouse would not have reacted with violence, while others are told that
all they had to do was leave when the situation became intolerable.
There are complex reasons
why people — men and women alike — remain in abusive situations,
but research and statistics both show that it is when a woman decides
to leave her abuser that she is most at risk of being killed.
In Canada between 2000 and
2006, more than 500 women were killed as a result of domestic violence.
Some were shot, others were stabbed, others were strangled or beaten
to death by their male partners. In the same period, by comparison,
44 Canadian soldiers were killed in Afghanistan and 16 law enforcement
officers were killed in the line of duty at home. We rightly honour
those who die in the service of their country and community, our heroes
in the war on terror, the war on drugs, the war on crime.
In the war on women, however,
there are no heroes, just victims.
These dead “are not labelled heroes,” writes Brian Vallée
in his disturbing book, The War on Women, “nor are they honoured
in the national media or in formal ceremonies. From time to time, they
may attract a spate of publicity as the result of a high-profile trial
or an inquest that will likely conclude that society let them down once
again and recommend changes to prevent future deaths, though these recommendations
will be mostly ignored.”
Knowing that the abusers
have almost invariably been abused themselves is small comfort to someone
who is being punched in the face, raped, shot or strangled. The point
is not to understand the abuser but to stop him — not with a $50
fine, as was recently handed down to a Humboldt man who was found guilty
of spousal abuse, but with adequately enforced laws, meaningful sentences
and a change of heart among the public.
There will be time to understand him later when the invisible heroes who walk among us are safe and beginning to heal.
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