BUILDING A CULTURE OF LIFE

By Mary Deutscher

There is a growing body of work being written on the subject of loneliness. In some circumstances, loneliness can provide individuals with an opportunity for self-discovery, but quite often it can be a devastating ordeal.

The type of loneliness I am talking about here is not just the occasional night spent at home watching reruns of Friends and wondering why no one in your apartment building ever comes over for breakfast (there was nothing else on by the way). Rather, this type of loneliness pervades a person’s entire being.

Chronic loneliness, as it is often called, affects the way a person thinks and feels, lowering self-esteem and adversely affecting what few relationships may exist for that person. People in this state can find themselves thinking, “How will I be abandoned next?” when what they should be asking themselves is, “How can I reconnect with the people around me?”

This long-term loneliness is often linked with feelings of sadness and despair, and for this reason it is frequently misdiagnosed as depression. The assumption that there is something physically wrong with people who are experiencing chronic loneliness has led many to become medicated when what they really need is a change, even if it is only a change in the way they see themselves.

Of all the commentaries I have read on this topic, I find the work of Jean Vanier to be the most insightful. Vanier’s contribution is unique because not only does he possess a profound understanding of loneliness, he also has a novel solution: don’t be alone.

In his book Becoming Human, Vanier describes loneliness as “a taste of death.” Although Vanier acknowledges that loneliness can have a positive impact by pushing individuals toward a deeper relationship with God and with others, he warns that it can also lead to a soul crushing apathy and despair. Extreme loneliness can cause a person to become closed off from relationships with others and to focus entirely on himself or herself.

Vanier stresses that loneliness, which is not the same as being physically separated from other people, results in an “emptiness, anguish and inner agitation” from which a person will be unable to escape as long has he or she remains emotionally isolated.

According to Vanier, the counter to this profound loneliness is to immerse oneself in life. Vanier focuses on the human need for community and how much joy can come from truly connecting with other people. In particular, he draws on his own experience at l’Arche, where he has met countless individuals, both with mental disabilities and without, who have journeyed from loneliness to acceptance.

Vanier writes: “In our l’Arche communities we experience that deep inner healing comes about mainly when people feel loved, when they have a sense of belonging.” This healing is a gradual process, which flows from healthy relationships and requires openness to new possibilities and opportunities for personal growth.

I was so intrigued by Vanier’s description of l’Arche that I decided to contact the l’Arche community in Saskatoon. After just one visit, I was overwhelmed with the warmth and friendliness of this group of people. I asked some of the members of the l’Arche household how they spend their days and they told me that they plan get-togethers, events and parties. It quickly became apparent that this was their goal: to laugh, to share, and to live with other people.

Although my visit with them was only cursory, I was more moved by their sincerity than I have been by countless acquaintances and fair-weather friends who have come and gone throughout my life.

I believe that we can apply the principles behind l’Arche on a much larger scale to help us connect with people in all dimensions of our lives. The simple task of being excited to meet and truly understand other people can be carried out in the workplace, at school, at home, and yes, even at church! I am sure that all of us, even with the pressure of our busy lives, are capable of finding the energy to be welcoming to a newcomer or to spend extra time with a friend in need.

The Catholic Church teaches that we should live the Gospel in all aspects of our lives. This is not a call to become preachers; it is a call to become friends. The task of spreading the message of Christ begins with creating personal connections with those around us. We are commissioned to bring the love of God to the world through healthy friendships that can cut through the agony of loneliness and provide building blocks for strong communities.

Building a culture of life ultimately comes down to building communities based on friendship. We need communities to ensure that individuals remain immersed in life, because without this we are all just experiencing “a taste of death.”

Deutscher has recently returned to Saskatchewan from Ottawa after completing a master of arts in public ethics at St. Paul University and working with the Catholic Organization for Life and Family.